This past couple of years as most of you know this writer was singing “Nearer God to Thee” I got to spend time in many hospitals both locally and in Boston and met many kinds of doctors but none like the following.
Q: Should one reduce their alcohol intake?
Dr: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit, brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
Dr: Well, if you have a body, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
Dr: Can’t think of a single one; my philosophy is: no pain… good.
Q: Will sit-ups prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
Dr: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle it gets bigger. You should be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Are fried foods good for me?
Dr: You’re not pay attention to me… Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they are permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
DR: Are you crazy? HELLO, cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel good food around.
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
Dr: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important to my life longevity?
DR: Hey! Round is a shape!
He further hopes his thoughts on these food and exercise programs will help and explains the following thought. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
Germans drink a lot of beer, eat lots of sausages and fats and also suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
“Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. Remember, life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely, in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – a cold beer or a shot of Jack Daniels in one hand and a hot fudge sundae in the other, body thoroughly used up and screaming “YAHOOO, what a ride!”
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before finding out people didn’t like me anyway. I was thinking that women should put the pictures of their missing husbands on beer cars. I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you’re just too tired to bounce. Folks, our age could make a fitness movie and call it “Pumping Rust.”
A woman I know has gotten the dreaded furniture disease. That’s when her chest is falling into her drawers. You know when people go to one’s house and see a cat’s litter box and they say, “Oh! Have you got a cat?” Just once you should answer, “No, it’s for company.”
Employment application blanks always ask who to be notified I case of an emergency. I think you should answer, “A good doctor.”
I was thinking about how people our age seem to be more into reading the Bible as they get older and then it dawned on me that they were “cramming for their finals.”
The vanilla pudding robbery
In a small village in Europe three youngsters decided to rob a bank; they cased the bank for two weeks and finally made their move. On a dark almost moonless night they found their way into the town bank that seemed to have a lot of customers.
They spent time disarming the security system and got into their task right away. They saw instead of a large vault a bunch of smaller safes and knew they could pry them open with little effort. Opening the first mini safe they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
They broke open the combination of another safe and found more little bowls of the vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank’s audiotape one robber said, “At least we’ll have a bite to eat as we work.”
Two more mini safes combinations were opened and again more pudding, and no money, no jewels and no stocks or bonds. Finally, one of the robbers said, “Well, let’s get out of here while we can. We didn’t get any money but at least, we didn’t get caught and we now have experience in robbing a bank.”
His accomplice said, “Well, at least we had a lot to eat.”
The next day’s newspaper headlines blared out, Town’s Largest Sperm Bank Robbed Last Night.
